Friday, May 13, 2011

Afraid of dying

        All my life, well as long as I can remember I've been afraid of dying. When I was young I wouldn't really think about it as much, but from the time I turned 13 on into my teenage years, the thought of dying has taken over my life. I'm afraid of dying before I get married, have kids, go to college and dying before I'm an old old lady. I want to die like Rose from the Titanic, an old lady warm in her bed, with many kids.

I've been thinking about death a lot lately and here are some thoughts I think about:
- When am I going to die?
- How am I going to die?
- What will it feel like?
- What if I die without being truly happy?
- What if I die before I accomplish all the things I want to do in my life?
- What if I die before I get married?
- If I die, who would come to my funeral?
- Who would cry?

        For the past couple of days, all my dreams have been about death and people dying. For example, on Saturday night, the night before Mother's day, I dreamed that my mother passed away. And my dad had fell in love with some other woman and all of sudden I had a step-mom and 2 new sisters. And in my dream it was Mother's day the next morning so we went to the cemetery, and I placed flowers on my mom's grave and I was just crying and crying. I actually woke up that night, went into my mom's room and checked if she was still in her bed ; if she was still alive.

        I'm afraid of dying because I don't want to lose everything I have here on earth. It's scary because I don't know when I'm going to die and when I do I won't be able to say goodbye to my family. I don't want to lose my loved ones and the people I care about ; I'm afraid to leave behind the people I love. Just the thought of not being able to see my family anymore, not being able to talk to them anymore, and not being able to play with them anymore makes me more afraid of dying.

        I'm also afraid of dying because of all the pain. I've been through lots of pain through out my life and it hurts, I can't even imagine how much pain I would be in when I die. I would rather my death to be as painless as possible. I want to die in my sleep rather then by a car accident or dying from an illness or from a fire.

        I know that everyone dies someday, somehow and I understand that and I accept that but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still afraid. I will always be afraid my entire life, I mean some people grow out of it and they're not afraid anymore but I won't grow out of it. I might just not think about it as much when I'm older but I will always be afraid of dying.

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