Reading response on The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian.

             I'm reading The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. It's a novel about a Native American teenager that wants to do something differently with his life, so he goes to an off-reservation school called Reardan and he has trouble fitting in with his Indian heritage. But since he went to Reardan he has changed a lot.       
               One thing I've noticed so far that shows that Juniors growing up is the fact that he wants a good future ahead of him, and he has more responsibilities. "Three times, I had to walk the whole way. Twenty -two miles. I got blisters each time." (pg.87) Now that he has grown up his father stopped driving him to school everyday, so sometimes Junior walks 22 miles to get to school and to get home from school.
                      
                Another thing that shows Juniors growing up is that he went to a new school. A new school opens  the doors of more responsibilities and more independence. "I want to go to Reardan," he said "No, if I don't go now, I never will. I have to do it now." (pg.46)Junior was determined to have a good education and be more successful so he went to a white school - Reardan. Even though he was afraid of the white people he still went ; that shows that he's changing because he's braver now than before.
                       
                  Another thing I've noticed that shows that Juniors growing up is that he stands up for himself now, not all the time but more than before. Before he would depend on Rowdy to solve all his problems. Rowdy would protect him any time someone tries to beat him up and he would defend him. Since that fight he had with Rowdy he's on his own and honestly I think he's doing pretty good on his own, he's becoming a more independent young man. "Grandma, I punched this big guy in the face because he was bullying me." (pg.68) I think it was good that they had fought because if they hadn't, Junior wouldn't be who he is today.

                 These are just a few signs that shows that Juniors growing up. I'm only half way through the book but he's already changing, he's an independent young man now and I can't wait until I finish the rest of the book. This book is amazing and it connects with me so much, mostly on how his culture is affecting him and his childhood, forcing him to grow up at a young age.

What does it mean to grow up ? In what ways are and aren’t you grown up ? What are your feelings about this ? Prompt #9

          Many people think growing up is to put all your childhood toys away and to stop running around the playground. What does it mean to grow up ? That thought has been in my mind for a while now, and now that I think about it, to grow up means to become more mature/ responsible. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to stop playing with toys but it means you have to become responsible for your actions and be aware of what you're doing and saying.    

          Growing up means that you are starting to think less of yourself and more of others. It's when you stop depending on others and become more responsible. When you take the blame for your screw-ups and learn from your mistakes, or better yet watch what others do and learn from their mistakes. It's when you face reality, and you find a way to go through life respectfully and responsibly. When you learn how to solve your problems by talking it out rather than fighting.
         
          Growing up can also be kind of psychological if you really think about it. It's when you feel like an adult, when you feel like you can handle whatever life throws at you. When you know where you're heading and what you're doing. It's also a time where you feel like you earned enough respect to be taken as seriously as adults. It's hard to explain, it's an inside/ interior feeling that's different for many people.

          I honestly don't know if I've "grown up" mentally, I mean I think I'm more mature than some of the people in this school, but I have those moments when I act silly and childish. I hate the fact that I act so silly at times, but it's my personality and I can't change that. I've become more responsible but I still depend on other people. I don't think I've earned enough respect to be taken as seriously as an adult, I guess I could say I'm misunderstood. Some people think of me as a stupid, immature little girl stuck in a 14 year old body. And I've been asked by someone in this school if my real hair color was blonde and that got me upset. People tell me "as long as you know it's not true then it doesn't matter" well I know it's not true, I'm not stupid, it's just someones silly opinion about me but I can't help but be self-conscious about it.

           Growing up is a process, it takes time. Growing up can be physical, like getting older, or it can be mentally like maturing. Either way, everyone grows up physically and mentally. People grow up at different paces and they go through all of these phases of growing up at different times in their lives.

Afraid of dying

        All my life, well as long as I can remember I've been afraid of dying. When I was young I wouldn't really think about it as much, but from the time I turned 13 on into my teenage years, the thought of dying has taken over my life. I'm afraid of dying before I get married, have kids, go to college and dying before I'm an old old lady. I want to die like Rose from the Titanic, an old lady warm in her bed, with many kids.

I've been thinking about death a lot lately and here are some thoughts I think about:
- When am I going to die?
- How am I going to die?
- What will it feel like?
- What if I die without being truly happy?
- What if I die before I accomplish all the things I want to do in my life?
- What if I die before I get married?
- If I die, who would come to my funeral?
- Who would cry?

        For the past couple of days, all my dreams have been about death and people dying. For example, on Saturday night, the night before Mother's day, I dreamed that my mother passed away. And my dad had fell in love with some other woman and all of sudden I had a step-mom and 2 new sisters. And in my dream it was Mother's day the next morning so we went to the cemetery, and I placed flowers on my mom's grave and I was just crying and crying. I actually woke up that night, went into my mom's room and checked if she was still in her bed ; if she was still alive.
       
        I'm afraid of dying because I don't want to lose everything I have here on earth. It's scary because I don't know when I'm going to die and when I do I won't be able to say goodbye to my family. I don't want to lose my loved ones and the people I care about ; I'm afraid to leave behind the people I love. Just the thought of not being able to see my family anymore, not being able to talk to them anymore, and not being able to play with them anymore makes me more afraid of dying.

        I'm also afraid of dying because of all the pain. I've been through lots of pain through out my life and it hurts, I can't even imagine how much pain I would be in when I die. I would rather my death to be as painless as possible. I want to die in my sleep rather then by a car accident or dying from an illness or from a fire.

        I know that everyone dies someday, somehow and I understand that and I accept that but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still afraid. I will always be afraid my entire life, I mean some people grow out of it and they're not afraid anymore but I won't grow out of it. I might just not think about it as much when I'm older but I will always be afraid of dying.